SOL # 26 out of 31
Tantrum Trials
I am dumbfounded at the tantrums our 5 year old has been displaying at home lately. I am talking about reverting back to the terrible-two phase, yelling and screaming, demanding and commanding, I -didn’t- get my- way tantrums. I hear word from her teacher that she studiously listens, learns, pays attention and maintains her composure all day long (even when others do not) Then she gets home and some days she “loses her cool.” However, my husband and I are trying a new approach her to meltdowns.
It seems as soon as a child raises their voice, clenches their teeth & shouts loud commands, the adults respond the same way. They shout, “How dare you raise your voice at me”. They command, “Go to your room young lady” and expect for the child to magically change their behavior.
If our little one fell down, skinned her knee and was crying. We would rush to her side, ask what happened, offer to kiss it, apply a bandaid or whatever else is needed. Of course, we would acknowledge the hurt and give her what she needs.
So that is the approach we are now taking with our daughter. When she has an upset or angry outburst, we stop what we are doing (generally we are occupied with a different task-cooking, phone, computer, etc) We acknowledge feelings...frustrated, mad, upset. Then ask, ‘What can I do to help?” Finally we try to provide her with what she needs. I’m not talking about caving in and giving her what she “wants” (ie ...the candy before dinner, to go to a friends house, etc) But realizing that she has some big feelings that she is having trouble dealing with. Sometimes she just needs the adult brain to process though the problem with her or an offer of other appropriate options, or a way to calm down, or sometimes just a minute to be sad...or feel angry. Knowing that we all have these feelings and these feelings are ok to have.
Oh believe me, in the heat of the moment, it is hard to control your own emotions and hard not to react and hard not to want to "make" her behave. But we know that none of those ways will give us a meaningful connection with our daughter nor will they teach her the skills that we want her to ultimately obtain so she can deal with big issues.
Wish us luck!
I love your philosophy about the new approach to tantrums! Our four-year-old just started throwing them, too, and it is so frustrating--hang in there!
ReplyDeletewell, we had to try something else...cuz in the end we are the only ones we have the power over for change
DeleteOh, the odd years were hard on all of us... :) I love that you give us a clear description, not only of your reaction to her tantrums, but equally of your reaction to her hurt. The contrast between the two at the beginning brings all the more significance to your newest solution. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you. It is interesting to see the stark difference in parental reactions with various emotions ooze forth.
DeleteLove this idea! I have an almost 5 year old and can relate. I feel that I have tried to do this before but never consistently. You have reminded me of the sense it makes and the importance it is to react this way. Will definitely be working on this too. Thanks for the reminder and GOOD LUCK!
ReplyDeleteLove this idea! I have an almost 5 year old and can relate. I feel that I have tried to do this before but never consistently. You have reminded me of the sense it makes and the importance it is to react this way. Will definitely be working on this too. Thanks for the reminder and GOOD LUCK!
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing! It is indeed hard to forget that the little ones are trying to cope with waves of big ones' emotions. All parents of younger kids need to read this blog entry. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you. We all need encouragement at times. Just trying to be reflective...Just like with teaching .... when something isn't working any more...try something different
DeleteThat's wonderful that you are teaching her that her feelings...emotions....are meant to be felt, not forced aside. Then often as an adult that becomes the way we "handle" all our emotions; hide them, swallow them, hold them inside with drink, food, shopping or myriad other ways, giving paths to disease or unhappiness! Good job, mom!
ReplyDelete